Dear Jamie

I wrote this to my friend one night, after getting upset. I just reread it now, and it really got to me. I thought I would share it.

The reason I got angry at you last night was because I told you something I'd never told anyone before. I was shaking when I wrote that; anger or bad memories, I don’t know. But I just know that I was shaking heavily and was in tears as I typed it. And I didn’t want sympathy, I just wanted to prove a point. But to build up so much confidence to do that and then get “yeah, I had the same” and go on about yourself and the people you care about, that hurt. I know you were bullied and I can sympathise with that better with anyone but that fucked me up. That actually affected me more than you would know, because I haven’t told people some of the stuff that happened because of secondary school.
And I know that I don’t get followed home anymore or anything near as bad as that, but you said you were bullied for your looks. Genuinely, I can’t see why anyone would even attempt to do that because you look fine. But being fat is a lot more obvious, so I still get comments. People laugh at me more than they would others just because of my weight. I get sarcastic wolf whistles and I get “OMG look at that” as I walk down the street. And I just felt annoyed that you thought it was that easy to love yourself when every single fucking day someone reminds you of how you look and how you appear to others and it just makes that hatred for myself even deeper than it already was. Everyone judges on appearance, anyone who says that they don’t is a bullshitter.

Whenever I talk to you, it’s either about you or about one of your “bitches”. I don’t expect you to go on and on about me, that’s not who I am. But whenever I try to start a conversation either I get a one word response, sometimes even just a smiley, and the conversation ends. But I always try to talk more about the things you say and find out how you are etc. I just sometimes want you to take an interest in me because I just feel like you only talk to me because I’m the only person there or the only person that’s up that late.
I got jealous, too. Because you talk about others with such affection and I would actually bet money on the fact that you don’t talk that way about me. And I’m not saying “JAMIE, I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME THE MOST” because I don’t want that. I don’t want someone to like me, just because I ask them to. I was upset anyway, because I can’t think of one person that puts me as number one. I’m just everyone’s friend but not particularly special to anyone. Even in my own family, I’m second best. My two best friends see me as second best, and everyone else just talks to me when they want me or they’re bored. And to hear you talking about other people with such passion, just made me jealous. I care a lot about you. Not in that way, don’t worry. But when I say I would take your call at 3am, I would. I’ve gone to bed really late because I was worried about you. But it just upset me that I think a lot of you and I knew that you didn’t think that much of me. That’s why I was a bit upset last night; it was just the reminder that I’m not really loved particularly by anyone.

I am very blunt, and I have learnt after years of bottling things up that the best thing to do it just to confront the problem. I’m shit at talking face to face so I write it all. I don’t proof read anything, so god knows what shit I have written. But I’m not angry at you now, I just felt I had to let it all out otherwise it would just be there niggling away at me for ages until I exploded. And knowing how I am, I would be a tremendous bitch and you would hate me forever so this seems easier, even if you do hate me now.