I was feeling very sad tonight. Things haven't been great recently.
Whenever I've felt really down, I've always thought "I'm very lucky. I have great friends, a great family, I do well in school and I have a big future ahead of me." Recently, I lost all my friends so the few I have right now, I'm not particularly close to. My family and I argue a lot and I'm the least favourite. I haven't done well at school, and I'm having to reconsider university. Because of all this, I feel like I have no future ahead of me. What's the point of carrying on if I have nothing to look forward to? I've felt so lost and had nothing to keep me going. I try and keep positive, but I just... I feel like I'm constantly alone and never good enough.

But then he cheered me up.
I don't know whether I'm just desperate and clinging to whoever gives me attention, but I'm kinda happy right now. I'm not making all the moves, or begging for attention. It's nice to be appreciated whether it's friendship or not.

Not many people realise that's all I need. I'll keep marching on.

I can't stop thinking about last night.

I think it was the first time that I've been genuinely happy in too long. I wasn't drunk, but I was tipsy enough to forget what people thought of me and just be really honest. I have grazes all over my body from laying on the gravel with some friends which was lovely. We all lay there, hugging, and my friend Tom kept begging me to stay. He kept telling me how much he loved me and didn't want me to go. For someone that feels lonely a lot, this meant the world to me. I don't think he meant it anymore than just friends but it was enough to make me cry a bit.
My other friend, Tim, is dating my best friend. He got very drunk and said he felt really insecure and worried. I gave him a hug, and kissed him on the forehead, and told him it would all be ok. He looked at me in the eye, put his hands around my face and pulled me closer and kissed me on the cheek. I'm not sure if he aimed for my mouth and missed, but it doesn't matter anyway. I confessed stuff to him and he hugged me tighter.
I just wish I could have stayed. I really really wanted to. Mum and I argued because I was asking too much, but I just wanted to be happy and loved just that little bit more. Just a bit.

Well, yesterday was a strange day.

Doctors was unnecessary. Told me what I knew and treated me like a moody teenager. "Low mood" she put me under. AHA.
Then I convinced my mum to let me go to a party. My mum is very overprotective, so I went at 7:30 and left at 10 which was no where near long enough. I had a great time while I was there. I got a bit tipsy and went for a walk with two of my guy friends, and we ended up laying on a path on the way there. It was really good fun and I got lots of hugs. But then I got home, and mum and I argued. Really badly. Apparently, asking to stay later was selfish and there was no way I could stay the night because she didn't know the people there etc. so we were shouting until about midnight when I locked myself in my room and fell asleep.

If I stayed later, I would have had so much fun. I really needed it yesterday, but no. I look forward to when I'm eighteen.

What do I do?

I have been sharing a room with my family friend and my sister, and was half awake whilst they were talking. They were talking about pointless stuff, none of it very interesting and then my sister says "Steph is so annoying. She makes such a big deal out of everything and I can't stand her."
"before talking about people that are in the same room, you better make sure that they are actually asleep."
"i knew you were awake, I just don't really care."

Truth is, I've had enough of my family. We're always together, but I'm always ignored. I've always known I'm the least favourite in my family and that's something you get used to, something that is just fact and you just accept and move on. Like the fact that eventually one day, we will pass on. You know that fact is always there, but you just deal with it, no matter how much you hate the thought. But recently, I've noticed that I am becoming less and less noticed and I'm just fading out. Assumptions are being made and therefore decisions are also being made for me without even considering my opinion.
I just don't feel like my family loves me that much. I know they do, but they're not showing it that much anymore and I feel unimportant.

My sister and my friend left the bedroom and went into the living room, and I stayed in bed, reading. I eventually walked to the bathroom and my sister says, "Steph, we want to watch Doctor Who. Come watch it with us?"
I replied, "No, I can't be bothered with you." And walked off.

this is really so very hard.

I can't do it. I can't let people down, I want them to be proud of me. But at the same time... I could do that and everything going round my head would stop.

head or heart.

head or heart.

head or heart.

I feel like I'm screaming and no one hears.

[30/52] Ducks

[30/52] Ducks, a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.