I can't stop thinking about last night.

I think it was the first time that I've been genuinely happy in too long. I wasn't drunk, but I was tipsy enough to forget what people thought of me and just be really honest. I have grazes all over my body from laying on the gravel with some friends which was lovely. We all lay there, hugging, and my friend Tom kept begging me to stay. He kept telling me how much he loved me and didn't want me to go. For someone that feels lonely a lot, this meant the world to me. I don't think he meant it anymore than just friends but it was enough to make me cry a bit.
My other friend, Tim, is dating my best friend. He got very drunk and said he felt really insecure and worried. I gave him a hug, and kissed him on the forehead, and told him it would all be ok. He looked at me in the eye, put his hands around my face and pulled me closer and kissed me on the cheek. I'm not sure if he aimed for my mouth and missed, but it doesn't matter anyway. I confessed stuff to him and he hugged me tighter.
I just wish I could have stayed. I really really wanted to. Mum and I argued because I was asking too much, but I just wanted to be happy and loved just that little bit more. Just a bit.

Well, yesterday was a strange day.

Doctors was unnecessary. Told me what I knew and treated me like a moody teenager. "Low mood" she put me under. AHA.
Then I convinced my mum to let me go to a party. My mum is very overprotective, so I went at 7:30 and left at 10 which was no where near long enough. I had a great time while I was there. I got a bit tipsy and went for a walk with two of my guy friends, and we ended up laying on a path on the way there. It was really good fun and I got lots of hugs. But then I got home, and mum and I argued. Really badly. Apparently, asking to stay later was selfish and there was no way I could stay the night because she didn't know the people there etc. so we were shouting until about midnight when I locked myself in my room and fell asleep.

If I stayed later, I would have had so much fun. I really needed it yesterday, but no. I look forward to when I'm eighteen.

What do I do?

I have been sharing a room with my family friend and my sister, and was half awake whilst they were talking. They were talking about pointless stuff, none of it very interesting and then my sister says "Steph is so annoying. She makes such a big deal out of everything and I can't stand her."
"before talking about people that are in the same room, you better make sure that they are actually asleep."
"i knew you were awake, I just don't really care."

Truth is, I've had enough of my family. We're always together, but I'm always ignored. I've always known I'm the least favourite in my family and that's something you get used to, something that is just fact and you just accept and move on. Like the fact that eventually one day, we will pass on. You know that fact is always there, but you just deal with it, no matter how much you hate the thought. But recently, I've noticed that I am becoming less and less noticed and I'm just fading out. Assumptions are being made and therefore decisions are also being made for me without even considering my opinion.
I just don't feel like my family loves me that much. I know they do, but they're not showing it that much anymore and I feel unimportant.

My sister and my friend left the bedroom and went into the living room, and I stayed in bed, reading. I eventually walked to the bathroom and my sister says, "Steph, we want to watch Doctor Who. Come watch it with us?"
I replied, "No, I can't be bothered with you." And walked off.

this is really so very hard.

I can't do it. I can't let people down, I want them to be proud of me. But at the same time... I could do that and everything going round my head would stop.

head or heart.

head or heart.

head or heart.

I feel like I'm screaming and no one hears.

[30/52] Ducks

[30/52] Ducks, a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.

[31/52] the secret garden

[31/52] the secret garden, a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.

[32/52] feels like Japan

[32/52] feels like Japan, a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.

[33/52] we burst into colours and carousels

[33/52] we burst into colours and carousels, a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.

Today I am getting an envelope. And on the piece of paper inside that envelope there will be 5 letters. And these letters will dictate my future.
Shit, they better be nice letters.

[28/52] Too bad you're lonely. As I'm alright as long as I'm with you.

[28/52] Too bad you're lonely. As I'm alright as long as I'm with you., a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.

Mazes

And she came to a maze. The strictly trimmed hedges went way out of her eye-sight, not matter how far she looked up. They reached into the clouds, which were starting to lower and form a light fog. She looked at the narrow gateway into it and all she could see was another hedge a few metres back. But there was no other way to her destination, but this way. She looked up at the towering fortress, took a deep breath and a step inside the walls. Once she crossed the invisible barrier, there was a sound of a collision and the rustling of leaves. She looked over her shoulder. The hedge had closed and she couldn't go back. She was left now with no choice but to keep going on. But, after all, she never had any other choice if she wanted to move forward. She didn't like it at all. Every time she turned a corner, there was another solid wall of greenery in her way. She would go back and choose another route to meet the same circumstance. Even when she finally prevailed and was able to go on further, she'd have the same issue again. It was then that she really realised the reality of how extensive this maze was.

After feeling like she was going round in circles, she sat at one of the numerous dead ends; arms wrapped round knees, and fell onto her side, crying. She felt so confused and lost. She had tried not to let it get her down, but when you think you know what you're doing and fail even then, it's hard to keep positive. The clouds were growing darker, and emptied down on her. She was soaked through in no time; her dress becoming almost see-through.

I don't know what this is. I started writing and this is what came out. I don't know where else it is going, so I'll stop here. I'm so tired and I have so much to write, but not the words to say it.

Relax.

I'm currently away right now. If I could have afforded it, I would have packed my bags and got a train to somewhere with a quiet beach, leaving just a note on the table. I'd have switched my phone off, stayed in a travel lodge and just written. Instead, I'm staying with some family friends. It's a seaside town, but a commercial one. And we're about two miles away from the sea. I haven't written since I got here, or even read a book. It's like being at home still: I feel trapped. There's still a part of me that really wants that self-indulgent trip away but I must supress these feelings, and just get on with life.

My friend and I had a deep talk last night. It almost turned into an argument. I'm not going to put some of it here, but it did make me think and made him think.

London Riots

I've heard it's on the world news. I can't believe all this has happened because the death of one man. I don't blame the gang members; they wanted answers. But it's too much now. People are stealing things casually, in bulk and torching buildings.
Anyone that reads this that isn't from England: don't let this taint your ideas of the English. I am disgusted right now. Absolutely disgusted.

Secrets.

I don't know why, but I adore keeping secrets. Secrets about me. I love the feeling of knowing something no one else knows and being able to think "if only you knew". Is that bad? Should I really have so many things kept to myself just for the thrill?
But the revelation is never as good as imagination. Never.

Time

Time, a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.

I love it when a plan comes together.

So I started writing a "novel" recently, but it's a very hard one to write. Because it is very complex and has to be strictly planned out for it to work at all. But last night, I realised how to make it work.
A story normally has either very deep meanings or a very engaging storyline. For mine to work, I have to get both in there. It's going to be very difficult, but I think that I have it all sorted now which makes me very happy.

It is one of the most painful things in life, to watch someone you love suffer. But the most painful thing is when you must watch, but can't help, however much you want to. To watch someone hurt so badly and not be able to do anything about it, and observe as they struggle hurts more than anything imaginable. Being so passionate, but so useless.

Where is the border?

My friend did something yesterday that I'm not sure how to react to. She told somebody something that she knew I wanted to keep quiet, and wasn't anything to do with her anyway. But should I be angry? I mean, it meant that I plucked up the courage to tell my other friend, or more talk about it with him. But I don't know how I should react. What she did was go against my trust as I confided in her. But, she only did it because she was worried about me. So what do I do?

What?!

my dad text me yesterday to say that he was photographing an event in Leeds (the other side of the country to me) and hanging backstage with Pixie Lott, JLS, Olly Murs and loads more. I'm still a little bit in shock as to how he managed that.