EXCITEMENT.

My dad is letting me use his photography equipment to do a photoshoot, and that means using his Canon 5D mark II and his 7D as well as all his lenses. It will be good to get behind a camera again; I miss it so much!

Regrets.

I have recently acquired a lethal Being Erica addiction that meant I was awake until 4am last night watching it. If you've never seen it, it's about a woman that writes down all the regrets in her life and she goes back and makes them right. It sounds very boring and cliché but it's the complete opposite. Every time she changes it, she learns something new for the future.

It got me to thinking that we should never have regrets. Regrets are only produced because we have obtained the benefit of hindsight. Because we know what happened because of our decision, we feel that we should have done things differently. The thing is: it's gone. You made a decision and the one thing that we must always remember is that we made that decision for a reason. Whether or not it was right in the long term, you decided that it was right at the time. What we can obtain from past mistakes is a knowledge for the future: if that situation arises again, you have a better idea of what to do and can make an overall better decision for the future.
We can't change the past. But we have complete control over our present. So forget what happened and concentrate on now and try to correct any wrong mistakes. Our present can always correct our past and completely change our future. So don't regret anything. Learn from what you have done because, without knowing what happened afterwards, you never would have done it differently even if you could go back now.

After months of regretting things, I realised that I wouldn't change a thing. Because it made me a stronger and better person and without it, I would have gone on to make more mistakes anyway.





first positive post in ages. aha.

Hello there, old friend. (SOOC)

Hello there, old friend. (SOOC), a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.

My first upload to Flickr in ages.
I wish I had my Nikon back :(

Oh dear...

I am really really sorry.
I've been going through a hard patch at the moment, and late at night I just rant on here. I know it seems weird, but I never really know what I'm doing and I find it hard to remember the next day. It's so weird. At about 10/11 pm I get really upset and won't go to bed until 2am most nights.
I think I might post soon about what is going on, so people understand but it would be a very very very long post...

But thank you for those who commented and have been there for me. What's going on in my life is really quite pathetic, but it's made me very down and you guys make me smile a lot :)

I feel very alone right now.

I feel so lost. I try doing the things that normally make me feel better, but they just aren't enough. I feel so lost and I'm trying to find a way to stop that and find myself but I can't. I don't want to do anything but sit here and I need my friend right now, because he's basically all I have left and he's not here. I just want a hug and someone to tell me I'm appreciated and mean it.I  feel so empty and lost. I want to be reckless. Jump on a train and go somewhere for a while. Or a plane. Just something out of the blue and to help me remember where and who I am. I feel so alone right now. I always feel so alone. But more now than normal. I want to feel happy again and I want it to last and I want to remember who I am. I just want this all to stop. The crying, the lack of enthusiasm in anything... I want to be as passionate as I used to be and throw my heart and soul into myself rather than others.

I'm not quite sure what to do anymore

I was always under the impression that, if you're a nice person, people will respect you.
Well, I feel disrespected and lonely and the reason this started? Because I wanted to help.

I'm so confused and don't know what to do anymore. Is there any point carrying on if this keeps happening again and again?

I'm trying but I'm just lacking enthusiasm in everything now.

My Old Friend

I finished that song I started. It's not great, but I needed it done quickly. But I think the skeleton is there.

Give your heart,

Get nothing back,

But that empty, devouring pain

Strive to help

But you’re just another

Hurting yourself in vain

There must be more

To this broken record

A modulated refrain

I thought I composed this life

But the performers used their own interpretation.

Because when everyone else runs for their lives,

Then we’re the ones that get left behind.

I’m just another, lost puzzle piece,

But how can you function without me?

When everyone else is sorted out,

Then we’re the ones that are forgotten about.

So leave them to their childish games,

And meet yourself again.

Under clouds,

All shades of black,

Fallacy’s never been so pathetic,

Rain mixed with tears,

Let them both fall,

The pure against the tainted

Try to feel,

Homeward attack,

But the other’s they just don’t get it.

Give me just another second chance

Maybe this one might last.

Because when everyone else runs for their lives,

Then we’re the ones that get left behind.

I’m just another, lost puzzle piece,

But how can you function without me?

When everyone else is sorted out,

Then we’re the ones that are forgotten about.

So leave them to their childish games,

And meet yourself again.

New Beginnings

So, I ended college yesterday. With a bit of drama, but it's mainly sorted now.
So today I'm completely ransacking my room, sorting out my print wall, scanning film photos and applying for a job! I can't wait to get things sorted and look forward to a hopefully decent Summer!

Dear Jamie

I wrote this to my friend one night, after getting upset. I just reread it now, and it really got to me. I thought I would share it.

The reason I got angry at you last night was because I told you something I'd never told anyone before. I was shaking when I wrote that; anger or bad memories, I don’t know. But I just know that I was shaking heavily and was in tears as I typed it. And I didn’t want sympathy, I just wanted to prove a point. But to build up so much confidence to do that and then get “yeah, I had the same” and go on about yourself and the people you care about, that hurt. I know you were bullied and I can sympathise with that better with anyone but that fucked me up. That actually affected me more than you would know, because I haven’t told people some of the stuff that happened because of secondary school.
And I know that I don’t get followed home anymore or anything near as bad as that, but you said you were bullied for your looks. Genuinely, I can’t see why anyone would even attempt to do that because you look fine. But being fat is a lot more obvious, so I still get comments. People laugh at me more than they would others just because of my weight. I get sarcastic wolf whistles and I get “OMG look at that” as I walk down the street. And I just felt annoyed that you thought it was that easy to love yourself when every single fucking day someone reminds you of how you look and how you appear to others and it just makes that hatred for myself even deeper than it already was. Everyone judges on appearance, anyone who says that they don’t is a bullshitter.

Whenever I talk to you, it’s either about you or about one of your “bitches”. I don’t expect you to go on and on about me, that’s not who I am. But whenever I try to start a conversation either I get a one word response, sometimes even just a smiley, and the conversation ends. But I always try to talk more about the things you say and find out how you are etc. I just sometimes want you to take an interest in me because I just feel like you only talk to me because I’m the only person there or the only person that’s up that late.
I got jealous, too. Because you talk about others with such affection and I would actually bet money on the fact that you don’t talk that way about me. And I’m not saying “JAMIE, I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME THE MOST” because I don’t want that. I don’t want someone to like me, just because I ask them to. I was upset anyway, because I can’t think of one person that puts me as number one. I’m just everyone’s friend but not particularly special to anyone. Even in my own family, I’m second best. My two best friends see me as second best, and everyone else just talks to me when they want me or they’re bored. And to hear you talking about other people with such passion, just made me jealous. I care a lot about you. Not in that way, don’t worry. But when I say I would take your call at 3am, I would. I’ve gone to bed really late because I was worried about you. But it just upset me that I think a lot of you and I knew that you didn’t think that much of me. That’s why I was a bit upset last night; it was just the reminder that I’m not really loved particularly by anyone.

I am very blunt, and I have learnt after years of bottling things up that the best thing to do it just to confront the problem. I’m shit at talking face to face so I write it all. I don’t proof read anything, so god knows what shit I have written. But I’m not angry at you now, I just felt I had to let it all out otherwise it would just be there niggling away at me for ages until I exploded. And knowing how I am, I would be a tremendous bitch and you would hate me forever so this seems easier, even if you do hate me now.

Just to prove, I'm not always depressing.

I'm elated right now. Nothing spectacular happened, just a few things that have made me happy.

1) I have new, better friends and I love them with all my heart.
2) I am about to start a new novel. I love the idea, and I can't wait to get writing. It's my personal project this Summer.
3) I saw Harry Potter again with a guy I am very very fond of. Not really in that way, just as much as you can love a person without being in love.

I'm just so happy things are working out. I really am.
I will let you know how my "novel" is going, and I can't wait to see how it ends!

too many eggs in one basket

Today, I was thinking about how I want to write. Then thought about the "novel" I started and realised where I'm going wrong.
So I'm completely re-writing and planning to the core.

Stay safe, you.

My 92 year old great-grandfather has been taken into hospital after fracturing his hip and has had a two hour operation... I'm so scared he's not going to make it through. And his 94 year old wife is at my grandparents; they have been married 70 years and they haven't been separated since I've been alive: won't go anywhere without the other. And he's going to be there for 10 days, and she's not well and able enough herself to go stay up there like most wives would. He looks after her day and night and now we're worried what happens after this. He was only taking the bins out, for goodness sake! A simple, everyday task. So does he go into care? He refuses to, but we have to think about it. And what about my great-grandma, what about her? She can't live on her own. She's a lot frailer than he is. So do they move in with my grandparents? It's just horrible to think that he could die now. Like... I know he's 92 but I am really close to him and death is never a nice idea. I want him and my great grandma to live forever and never ever be separate.
I genuinely think if one of them dies, then the other one would die from heartbreak.

"It's just that at night, I've got nowhere to hide."

I had a dream the other night, and it baffled me. At night is the only time where we can freely delve into our subconcious and see what we are really thinking about. But the problem is once we've seen it, how do we interpret it? Is what we see in our dreams made out of what is on our mind or what we really want? And how do we interpret the feeling we get from the actions we make in our dreams? Is that actually us in our dream, or just an imagined copy of ourselves?
And it's strange how mere imagination can completely change our view of the real, physical world around us. Make us question the things that we presumed were real: things we accepted as fact. How can such crazy stories change instantly to something that could happen in real life? Or even alter that which has already happened?

And then you have that thought in your dream that stabs at you when you wake up.

"I am so glad this is real."

A Cycle of Questions.

I often wonder what would happen if I was hospitalised. Who would be concerned? Who would come visit me? Would they come out of duty or because they cared? Would they know how to make me feel better and, if they did, would they even try? And what would happen if I were to be released? Would they still care afterwards and check that I’m ok? Or would that last a few days and then everything would go back to as if nothing happened?
And what if I didn’t make it out? I often think about my funeral, too. If I were to die now, who would organise my funeral? Would they know how I would want it to be? How many people would attend it and who would they be? Would they be there because they genuinely cared about the fact that I had died or would they be there because they felt they should be?
I then think about if people would remember me afterwards. Would people think about me for a few weeks and then just forget about me completely? Would people have a good memory of me?

It actually scares me how often I contemplate this. But then, it scares me that no one would care if anything happened to me. I am so scared at the idea of leaving this world and people forgetting that I ever existed.

I hate thinking about such things, but the same thoughts return every single day. And I hate it.

I miss who I was.

By the title, I mean the loud, sarcastic girl that takes photos of everything. I miss going out with my camera, taking photos of everything or going out with friends and having a good old time.

I promise, I will get my camera out again this weekend and go mad.

I wish everyone could just be happy.

and I think myself "what a wonderful world".

I've been really down for a few weeks now, but realising who my real friends has really helped me. I had a good day yesterday (until the evening; let's not go there) and a nice day today. So after going up town with my friend to buy my sister a birthday present, getting to my grandma's and having a shower (she literally has the best shower in the world) and having a nice cold glass of milk (my addiction), I sat at my keyboard and started trying to write a song. I've carried on with what I had before, but there's been a few changes. I found a programme I can download for free which will make it one hundred times easier to write the music to go with it. So I should have a fully written song by next Wednesday. I can download the programme tonight, and spend the next few nights working on it, then stay after college one day and get it onto the official programme and make a backing track! If it's any good, I'll get the recording and upload it to a site so you guys can hear it. But it will require me singing, so it will sound awful. Oh well. As long as it's in tune, that's the main thing!

So a good mood this afternoon, but I also have band tonight so it can all change very, very quickly. We'll just have to see how things go, I guess!

I thought I had stopped feeling like this.

it's 10:53, and I should be ready for college by now, or at least bed. But I just want to sit here on the laptop, and there's no one here to help me.

Everyone's Different.

My friend came on MSN last night saying
"Steph, I need cuddles."
She'd cut the tops of her thighs several times.
I spoke to a mutual friend of ours, saying that she was upset and telling him to look after her. He didn't know what had happened but, to fill him in, I told him. He was mortified.
"You know that feeling when your heart just sinks? I feel like that."

The thing is, it was obvious that she did. I knew she did even before she told me. I love this guy to bits, but he's so naive. He lives in this little world where everything is peachy and not many bad things happen so presumes everyone else is the same. I asked him last night "what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you?"
His reply was "My mum would say the mental breakdown I had when I was 11, but I don't remember that at all. I'd have to say, when my dog Basil died."
I've come to the conclusion that we should never judge on WHAT has happened to a person, but how they react to it. If two different problems have a similar effect on two people, then surely the problems are equally as bad? I know that Basil's death broke him, but I still can't stop thinking "no wonder you don't understand."
He said that he doesn't see why people would self harm, he doesn't see why people can't just be happy, and then he said
"If people have been through things worse than I that leads them to hurting themselves, I hate to think what people have gone through."

Selfish as it is, I sat at my laptop thinking "you really have no idea what the real world is like, do you?"
I haven't had a bad life, but I've had a lot happen to me that most people a lot older than me haven't had to deal with. It just made me realise that people don't understand the world, even if they think they do.

It's just so strange how every single person is different.

Blackbird, fly.

I am going to write about this, but I want to make it into a poem at some point. I just need to write it down so I remember it.

This morning, my mum came into my room, waking me up, and telling me to come outside into the garden. There's a blackbird nest in the honeysuckle on our fence, and one of the babies (we think he may be the only one, though) flew out of the nest and got caught on the netting used for the beans we're growing. He struggled for a bit, then fell to the ground, wing held out. He kept flapping, moving around the garden, struggling to fly. He tried to hide; behind a plank of wood, on a rock, in the rose bush... He kept squeaking, waiting for his mother to return.
We decided to leave him. His mother had returned so knew that he had fallen but gone to get more food.

Then this afternoon, we heard a squeaking. I went outside to find the mother sitting on the fence, berry in mouth for her child, trying to squeak in spite of the size of the food protruding from her beak. I watched her, she stood there for a few minutes, squeaking at intervals. She then swallowed the berry, and called louder. After 10 minutes or so, she moved to the roof. Still calling for her child, waiting for the reply to find where he was. After a while, she still flew off, calling. Every now and again I can hear her.
It's heart breaking.
I know, someone is going to say "it's just  bird." Thing is, whatever species, a mother will always have her child as a priority. And that I find both heart warming and heart breaking.

I really hope he is ok...

it's strange

it's strange that even now, when I'm doing something no one will see, I still consider what people will think.

run for their lives

I wrote a chorus for the song I mentioned, but I think it works as a short poem:

Because when everyone else runs for their lives,

Then we’re the ones that get left behind.

Maybe I’m just another, lost puzzle piece,

But how can you function without me?

When everyone else is sorted out,

Then we’re the ones that are forgotten about.

So take what you have and run with it,

And just close

your eyes.

It's just so high, and I'm so tired.

I don't know what's wrong with me at the moment. But whatever it is, I hate it. I have found myself wanting to do stuff: go outside, take photos, read, get work done... but I just sit at the computer screen, wasting my days away. I've done this for about 3 weeks now. I want to go out and enjoy myself, see people, be me again but there's something that keeps me sat here in my room, at my laptop, doing nothing. I don't know how I feel anymore, who I am or what I should be doing. I don't concentrate, I just sit there. I find myself still on the laptop at 2am and in tears. And this is when I have college the next day. I'm so tired and sick and tired and just... eurgh.
I did stupid stuff, to help me cope, but people won't help me. They say they will. But they never do, do they? As long as they're ok and the people they love more are ok, then no one gives a shit. I miss being someone's number one and having that constant person I could always go to. I don't miss him, but I miss that. I feel so alone and empty and angry all the time, and I don't know what to do. I just want to break down on someone and have them hug me until it all goes away.
But no one is going to do that for me, are they?
I want to help people, and make them happier if I can't be but there's no one to help so I just get angrier and angrier and I want to scream. I want to hurt people. That's not who I am. This feeling is enveloping me. My mind feels like a prison, and if no one helps me out, god know what will happen.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.


help me.