[46/52] necklaces

[46/52] necklaces, a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.

Earth is Beautiful

Earth is Beautiful, a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.

When we're little, we assume everyone lives forever. The idea of death is so far away that we just ignore its existence and carry on with our own lives. But this assumption that we live forever sticks to those around us. You think everyone you love will always be there, and just block out the thought of them dying because it's too painful to even consider.
But when it does happen? We realise we're not invincible.

[35/52] memory is all that remains

[35/52] memory is all that remains, a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.

I can't sleep.

In fact, I feel more awake than I have done all day.
I also feel rather emotional. Not... sad, as such. But not happy. Just... a strange emotion. Hence why I decided to write.

College:
Is hard work, but I'm getting through it. I'm working every night when I get in and mostly on top of all my work. I'm talking to people in my classes, talking to people from my old classes... I'm not keen on who I'm with for music, though. They're all nice enough but... Most of my close friends last year were from Music and they're all in the other class. I sit on my own now. No one really talks to me much, or acknowledges me but that will all change, I reckon. We have to perform in a few weeks. People will learn what I'm like.

Family:
It's been alright at the moment. We're getting on quite well, with just the odd argument. I do feel very closed it and trapped, but with college it means I get out and escape more. I'm hoping that when I turn 18, this will happen even more. My uncle has been back from America this week, so we've been busy with him so I guess that's taken everyone's minds off of everything. My great grandfather is dying now. We reckon he has a few weeks left. It's a shame, it really is. but to make it to 92 and not even die from old age... Well, that's an achievement in itself. He's in one of the best nursing homes, and I just hope he goes in his sleep.

Friends:
The friend that caused me to go into a rut a couple of months ago text me yesterday. It was about a house that we photographed together (it was knocked down). So it wasn't personal and there were no kisses on the end (we used to put 5) but it's contact, and it made me feel better. Because I didn't cave: she contacted me first and it shows that she doesn't hate my guts. Not that I would care if she did, anyway. I still talk to my old... "friends" but when other people are there, I talk to them. I know that I shouldn't choose but, well, they're not good friends. I realise now that they never really were. And if you can choose sides as quickly as that, you're not worth my time. But the new people I'm making friends with are lovely. I have a good laugh with them, and they're my kind of people. I'm not going to get too attached, but it's pleasant. I'm content with that at the moment.


Everything's been alright the last couple of weeks, actually. I haven't felt really down since September started. There was an issue last Sunday, but a small one. I went to the doctor, and she said that she thinks I'll be ok. I'm low-risk so she's not worried about me. This has good and bad points, but I'm just relieved that I don't have to keep coming up with new, believable lies every week. I'm content and just bumbling along. I know things will change at some point, but for now I'm quite happy. I could be happier... but isn't everyone that way?

I miss photography. I have had a lot of ideas recently, but I'd have to model myself. I don't feel comfortable standing in front of  a camera and, until I've lost a lot of weight, I probably never will. I want to be creative and do some really unique photos but stupid self-conciousness is holding me back. Blah.

Dear Future Steph.

I'm writing this to you because I know what you're like; you say that you'll get lots of work done, but you won't. You'll give up as soon as times start getting hard. I'm writing this to remind you that you need to keep working. If it's online, there's more of a chance you will see it because that's where you spend most of your time when you're not doing work.
It was your fault you didn't do well this year. You got complacent and you deserve every grade you got. So this year, do your work the night it's set and do it well. Don't go on the laptop so much: nothing is going to have changed in an hour and what has changed will still be there when you have finished. Just get on with your work first.
Think of being able to prove everyone wrong: prove them you're smart enough to go to St. Andrews University and, more importantly, prove to yourself you can. Imagine moving there and feeling proud of yourself. It's the perfect university for you and you can get there. If you work, that is. Think of how much you have fallen in love with that place. Think of how it's just on the coast and how recognised it is as an establishment. Prove you are smart and hardworking. Prove that you are worth the air you breathe.

Close the computer. Log off, put it away and put your all into proving everyone wrong.