[46/52] necklaces

[46/52] necklaces, a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.

Earth is Beautiful

Earth is Beautiful, a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.

When we're little, we assume everyone lives forever. The idea of death is so far away that we just ignore its existence and carry on with our own lives. But this assumption that we live forever sticks to those around us. You think everyone you love will always be there, and just block out the thought of them dying because it's too painful to even consider.
But when it does happen? We realise we're not invincible.

[35/52] memory is all that remains

[35/52] memory is all that remains, a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.

I can't sleep.

In fact, I feel more awake than I have done all day.
I also feel rather emotional. Not... sad, as such. But not happy. Just... a strange emotion. Hence why I decided to write.

College:
Is hard work, but I'm getting through it. I'm working every night when I get in and mostly on top of all my work. I'm talking to people in my classes, talking to people from my old classes... I'm not keen on who I'm with for music, though. They're all nice enough but... Most of my close friends last year were from Music and they're all in the other class. I sit on my own now. No one really talks to me much, or acknowledges me but that will all change, I reckon. We have to perform in a few weeks. People will learn what I'm like.

Family:
It's been alright at the moment. We're getting on quite well, with just the odd argument. I do feel very closed it and trapped, but with college it means I get out and escape more. I'm hoping that when I turn 18, this will happen even more. My uncle has been back from America this week, so we've been busy with him so I guess that's taken everyone's minds off of everything. My great grandfather is dying now. We reckon he has a few weeks left. It's a shame, it really is. but to make it to 92 and not even die from old age... Well, that's an achievement in itself. He's in one of the best nursing homes, and I just hope he goes in his sleep.

Friends:
The friend that caused me to go into a rut a couple of months ago text me yesterday. It was about a house that we photographed together (it was knocked down). So it wasn't personal and there were no kisses on the end (we used to put 5) but it's contact, and it made me feel better. Because I didn't cave: she contacted me first and it shows that she doesn't hate my guts. Not that I would care if she did, anyway. I still talk to my old... "friends" but when other people are there, I talk to them. I know that I shouldn't choose but, well, they're not good friends. I realise now that they never really were. And if you can choose sides as quickly as that, you're not worth my time. But the new people I'm making friends with are lovely. I have a good laugh with them, and they're my kind of people. I'm not going to get too attached, but it's pleasant. I'm content with that at the moment.


Everything's been alright the last couple of weeks, actually. I haven't felt really down since September started. There was an issue last Sunday, but a small one. I went to the doctor, and she said that she thinks I'll be ok. I'm low-risk so she's not worried about me. This has good and bad points, but I'm just relieved that I don't have to keep coming up with new, believable lies every week. I'm content and just bumbling along. I know things will change at some point, but for now I'm quite happy. I could be happier... but isn't everyone that way?

I miss photography. I have had a lot of ideas recently, but I'd have to model myself. I don't feel comfortable standing in front of  a camera and, until I've lost a lot of weight, I probably never will. I want to be creative and do some really unique photos but stupid self-conciousness is holding me back. Blah.

Dear Future Steph.

I'm writing this to you because I know what you're like; you say that you'll get lots of work done, but you won't. You'll give up as soon as times start getting hard. I'm writing this to remind you that you need to keep working. If it's online, there's more of a chance you will see it because that's where you spend most of your time when you're not doing work.
It was your fault you didn't do well this year. You got complacent and you deserve every grade you got. So this year, do your work the night it's set and do it well. Don't go on the laptop so much: nothing is going to have changed in an hour and what has changed will still be there when you have finished. Just get on with your work first.
Think of being able to prove everyone wrong: prove them you're smart enough to go to St. Andrews University and, more importantly, prove to yourself you can. Imagine moving there and feeling proud of yourself. It's the perfect university for you and you can get there. If you work, that is. Think of how much you have fallen in love with that place. Think of how it's just on the coast and how recognised it is as an establishment. Prove you are smart and hardworking. Prove that you are worth the air you breathe.

Close the computer. Log off, put it away and put your all into proving everyone wrong.

I was feeling very sad tonight. Things haven't been great recently.
Whenever I've felt really down, I've always thought "I'm very lucky. I have great friends, a great family, I do well in school and I have a big future ahead of me." Recently, I lost all my friends so the few I have right now, I'm not particularly close to. My family and I argue a lot and I'm the least favourite. I haven't done well at school, and I'm having to reconsider university. Because of all this, I feel like I have no future ahead of me. What's the point of carrying on if I have nothing to look forward to? I've felt so lost and had nothing to keep me going. I try and keep positive, but I just... I feel like I'm constantly alone and never good enough.

But then he cheered me up.
I don't know whether I'm just desperate and clinging to whoever gives me attention, but I'm kinda happy right now. I'm not making all the moves, or begging for attention. It's nice to be appreciated whether it's friendship or not.

Not many people realise that's all I need. I'll keep marching on.

I can't stop thinking about last night.

I think it was the first time that I've been genuinely happy in too long. I wasn't drunk, but I was tipsy enough to forget what people thought of me and just be really honest. I have grazes all over my body from laying on the gravel with some friends which was lovely. We all lay there, hugging, and my friend Tom kept begging me to stay. He kept telling me how much he loved me and didn't want me to go. For someone that feels lonely a lot, this meant the world to me. I don't think he meant it anymore than just friends but it was enough to make me cry a bit.
My other friend, Tim, is dating my best friend. He got very drunk and said he felt really insecure and worried. I gave him a hug, and kissed him on the forehead, and told him it would all be ok. He looked at me in the eye, put his hands around my face and pulled me closer and kissed me on the cheek. I'm not sure if he aimed for my mouth and missed, but it doesn't matter anyway. I confessed stuff to him and he hugged me tighter.
I just wish I could have stayed. I really really wanted to. Mum and I argued because I was asking too much, but I just wanted to be happy and loved just that little bit more. Just a bit.

Well, yesterday was a strange day.

Doctors was unnecessary. Told me what I knew and treated me like a moody teenager. "Low mood" she put me under. AHA.
Then I convinced my mum to let me go to a party. My mum is very overprotective, so I went at 7:30 and left at 10 which was no where near long enough. I had a great time while I was there. I got a bit tipsy and went for a walk with two of my guy friends, and we ended up laying on a path on the way there. It was really good fun and I got lots of hugs. But then I got home, and mum and I argued. Really badly. Apparently, asking to stay later was selfish and there was no way I could stay the night because she didn't know the people there etc. so we were shouting until about midnight when I locked myself in my room and fell asleep.

If I stayed later, I would have had so much fun. I really needed it yesterday, but no. I look forward to when I'm eighteen.

What do I do?

I have been sharing a room with my family friend and my sister, and was half awake whilst they were talking. They were talking about pointless stuff, none of it very interesting and then my sister says "Steph is so annoying. She makes such a big deal out of everything and I can't stand her."
"before talking about people that are in the same room, you better make sure that they are actually asleep."
"i knew you were awake, I just don't really care."

Truth is, I've had enough of my family. We're always together, but I'm always ignored. I've always known I'm the least favourite in my family and that's something you get used to, something that is just fact and you just accept and move on. Like the fact that eventually one day, we will pass on. You know that fact is always there, but you just deal with it, no matter how much you hate the thought. But recently, I've noticed that I am becoming less and less noticed and I'm just fading out. Assumptions are being made and therefore decisions are also being made for me without even considering my opinion.
I just don't feel like my family loves me that much. I know they do, but they're not showing it that much anymore and I feel unimportant.

My sister and my friend left the bedroom and went into the living room, and I stayed in bed, reading. I eventually walked to the bathroom and my sister says, "Steph, we want to watch Doctor Who. Come watch it with us?"
I replied, "No, I can't be bothered with you." And walked off.

this is really so very hard.

I can't do it. I can't let people down, I want them to be proud of me. But at the same time... I could do that and everything going round my head would stop.

head or heart.

head or heart.

head or heart.

I feel like I'm screaming and no one hears.

[30/52] Ducks

[30/52] Ducks, a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.

[31/52] the secret garden

[31/52] the secret garden, a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.

[32/52] feels like Japan

[32/52] feels like Japan, a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.

[33/52] we burst into colours and carousels

[33/52] we burst into colours and carousels, a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.

Today I am getting an envelope. And on the piece of paper inside that envelope there will be 5 letters. And these letters will dictate my future.
Shit, they better be nice letters.

[28/52] Too bad you're lonely. As I'm alright as long as I'm with you.

[28/52] Too bad you're lonely. As I'm alright as long as I'm with you., a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.

Mazes

And she came to a maze. The strictly trimmed hedges went way out of her eye-sight, not matter how far she looked up. They reached into the clouds, which were starting to lower and form a light fog. She looked at the narrow gateway into it and all she could see was another hedge a few metres back. But there was no other way to her destination, but this way. She looked up at the towering fortress, took a deep breath and a step inside the walls. Once she crossed the invisible barrier, there was a sound of a collision and the rustling of leaves. She looked over her shoulder. The hedge had closed and she couldn't go back. She was left now with no choice but to keep going on. But, after all, she never had any other choice if she wanted to move forward. She didn't like it at all. Every time she turned a corner, there was another solid wall of greenery in her way. She would go back and choose another route to meet the same circumstance. Even when she finally prevailed and was able to go on further, she'd have the same issue again. It was then that she really realised the reality of how extensive this maze was.

After feeling like she was going round in circles, she sat at one of the numerous dead ends; arms wrapped round knees, and fell onto her side, crying. She felt so confused and lost. She had tried not to let it get her down, but when you think you know what you're doing and fail even then, it's hard to keep positive. The clouds were growing darker, and emptied down on her. She was soaked through in no time; her dress becoming almost see-through.

I don't know what this is. I started writing and this is what came out. I don't know where else it is going, so I'll stop here. I'm so tired and I have so much to write, but not the words to say it.

Relax.

I'm currently away right now. If I could have afforded it, I would have packed my bags and got a train to somewhere with a quiet beach, leaving just a note on the table. I'd have switched my phone off, stayed in a travel lodge and just written. Instead, I'm staying with some family friends. It's a seaside town, but a commercial one. And we're about two miles away from the sea. I haven't written since I got here, or even read a book. It's like being at home still: I feel trapped. There's still a part of me that really wants that self-indulgent trip away but I must supress these feelings, and just get on with life.

My friend and I had a deep talk last night. It almost turned into an argument. I'm not going to put some of it here, but it did make me think and made him think.

London Riots

I've heard it's on the world news. I can't believe all this has happened because the death of one man. I don't blame the gang members; they wanted answers. But it's too much now. People are stealing things casually, in bulk and torching buildings.
Anyone that reads this that isn't from England: don't let this taint your ideas of the English. I am disgusted right now. Absolutely disgusted.

Secrets.

I don't know why, but I adore keeping secrets. Secrets about me. I love the feeling of knowing something no one else knows and being able to think "if only you knew". Is that bad? Should I really have so many things kept to myself just for the thrill?
But the revelation is never as good as imagination. Never.

Time

Time, a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.

I love it when a plan comes together.

So I started writing a "novel" recently, but it's a very hard one to write. Because it is very complex and has to be strictly planned out for it to work at all. But last night, I realised how to make it work.
A story normally has either very deep meanings or a very engaging storyline. For mine to work, I have to get both in there. It's going to be very difficult, but I think that I have it all sorted now which makes me very happy.

It is one of the most painful things in life, to watch someone you love suffer. But the most painful thing is when you must watch, but can't help, however much you want to. To watch someone hurt so badly and not be able to do anything about it, and observe as they struggle hurts more than anything imaginable. Being so passionate, but so useless.

Where is the border?

My friend did something yesterday that I'm not sure how to react to. She told somebody something that she knew I wanted to keep quiet, and wasn't anything to do with her anyway. But should I be angry? I mean, it meant that I plucked up the courage to tell my other friend, or more talk about it with him. But I don't know how I should react. What she did was go against my trust as I confided in her. But, she only did it because she was worried about me. So what do I do?

What?!

my dad text me yesterday to say that he was photographing an event in Leeds (the other side of the country to me) and hanging backstage with Pixie Lott, JLS, Olly Murs and loads more. I'm still a little bit in shock as to how he managed that.

EXCITEMENT.

My dad is letting me use his photography equipment to do a photoshoot, and that means using his Canon 5D mark II and his 7D as well as all his lenses. It will be good to get behind a camera again; I miss it so much!

Regrets.

I have recently acquired a lethal Being Erica addiction that meant I was awake until 4am last night watching it. If you've never seen it, it's about a woman that writes down all the regrets in her life and she goes back and makes them right. It sounds very boring and cliché but it's the complete opposite. Every time she changes it, she learns something new for the future.

It got me to thinking that we should never have regrets. Regrets are only produced because we have obtained the benefit of hindsight. Because we know what happened because of our decision, we feel that we should have done things differently. The thing is: it's gone. You made a decision and the one thing that we must always remember is that we made that decision for a reason. Whether or not it was right in the long term, you decided that it was right at the time. What we can obtain from past mistakes is a knowledge for the future: if that situation arises again, you have a better idea of what to do and can make an overall better decision for the future.
We can't change the past. But we have complete control over our present. So forget what happened and concentrate on now and try to correct any wrong mistakes. Our present can always correct our past and completely change our future. So don't regret anything. Learn from what you have done because, without knowing what happened afterwards, you never would have done it differently even if you could go back now.

After months of regretting things, I realised that I wouldn't change a thing. Because it made me a stronger and better person and without it, I would have gone on to make more mistakes anyway.





first positive post in ages. aha.

Hello there, old friend. (SOOC)

Hello there, old friend. (SOOC), a photo by Stephasaurus. on Flickr.

My first upload to Flickr in ages.
I wish I had my Nikon back :(

Oh dear...

I am really really sorry.
I've been going through a hard patch at the moment, and late at night I just rant on here. I know it seems weird, but I never really know what I'm doing and I find it hard to remember the next day. It's so weird. At about 10/11 pm I get really upset and won't go to bed until 2am most nights.
I think I might post soon about what is going on, so people understand but it would be a very very very long post...

But thank you for those who commented and have been there for me. What's going on in my life is really quite pathetic, but it's made me very down and you guys make me smile a lot :)

I feel very alone right now.

I feel so lost. I try doing the things that normally make me feel better, but they just aren't enough. I feel so lost and I'm trying to find a way to stop that and find myself but I can't. I don't want to do anything but sit here and I need my friend right now, because he's basically all I have left and he's not here. I just want a hug and someone to tell me I'm appreciated and mean it.I  feel so empty and lost. I want to be reckless. Jump on a train and go somewhere for a while. Or a plane. Just something out of the blue and to help me remember where and who I am. I feel so alone right now. I always feel so alone. But more now than normal. I want to feel happy again and I want it to last and I want to remember who I am. I just want this all to stop. The crying, the lack of enthusiasm in anything... I want to be as passionate as I used to be and throw my heart and soul into myself rather than others.

I'm not quite sure what to do anymore

I was always under the impression that, if you're a nice person, people will respect you.
Well, I feel disrespected and lonely and the reason this started? Because I wanted to help.

I'm so confused and don't know what to do anymore. Is there any point carrying on if this keeps happening again and again?

I'm trying but I'm just lacking enthusiasm in everything now.

My Old Friend

I finished that song I started. It's not great, but I needed it done quickly. But I think the skeleton is there.

Give your heart,

Get nothing back,

But that empty, devouring pain

Strive to help

But you’re just another

Hurting yourself in vain

There must be more

To this broken record

A modulated refrain

I thought I composed this life

But the performers used their own interpretation.

Because when everyone else runs for their lives,

Then we’re the ones that get left behind.

I’m just another, lost puzzle piece,

But how can you function without me?

When everyone else is sorted out,

Then we’re the ones that are forgotten about.

So leave them to their childish games,

And meet yourself again.

Under clouds,

All shades of black,

Fallacy’s never been so pathetic,

Rain mixed with tears,

Let them both fall,

The pure against the tainted

Try to feel,

Homeward attack,

But the other’s they just don’t get it.

Give me just another second chance

Maybe this one might last.

Because when everyone else runs for their lives,

Then we’re the ones that get left behind.

I’m just another, lost puzzle piece,

But how can you function without me?

When everyone else is sorted out,

Then we’re the ones that are forgotten about.

So leave them to their childish games,

And meet yourself again.

New Beginnings

So, I ended college yesterday. With a bit of drama, but it's mainly sorted now.
So today I'm completely ransacking my room, sorting out my print wall, scanning film photos and applying for a job! I can't wait to get things sorted and look forward to a hopefully decent Summer!

Dear Jamie

I wrote this to my friend one night, after getting upset. I just reread it now, and it really got to me. I thought I would share it.

The reason I got angry at you last night was because I told you something I'd never told anyone before. I was shaking when I wrote that; anger or bad memories, I don’t know. But I just know that I was shaking heavily and was in tears as I typed it. And I didn’t want sympathy, I just wanted to prove a point. But to build up so much confidence to do that and then get “yeah, I had the same” and go on about yourself and the people you care about, that hurt. I know you were bullied and I can sympathise with that better with anyone but that fucked me up. That actually affected me more than you would know, because I haven’t told people some of the stuff that happened because of secondary school.
And I know that I don’t get followed home anymore or anything near as bad as that, but you said you were bullied for your looks. Genuinely, I can’t see why anyone would even attempt to do that because you look fine. But being fat is a lot more obvious, so I still get comments. People laugh at me more than they would others just because of my weight. I get sarcastic wolf whistles and I get “OMG look at that” as I walk down the street. And I just felt annoyed that you thought it was that easy to love yourself when every single fucking day someone reminds you of how you look and how you appear to others and it just makes that hatred for myself even deeper than it already was. Everyone judges on appearance, anyone who says that they don’t is a bullshitter.

Whenever I talk to you, it’s either about you or about one of your “bitches”. I don’t expect you to go on and on about me, that’s not who I am. But whenever I try to start a conversation either I get a one word response, sometimes even just a smiley, and the conversation ends. But I always try to talk more about the things you say and find out how you are etc. I just sometimes want you to take an interest in me because I just feel like you only talk to me because I’m the only person there or the only person that’s up that late.
I got jealous, too. Because you talk about others with such affection and I would actually bet money on the fact that you don’t talk that way about me. And I’m not saying “JAMIE, I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME THE MOST” because I don’t want that. I don’t want someone to like me, just because I ask them to. I was upset anyway, because I can’t think of one person that puts me as number one. I’m just everyone’s friend but not particularly special to anyone. Even in my own family, I’m second best. My two best friends see me as second best, and everyone else just talks to me when they want me or they’re bored. And to hear you talking about other people with such passion, just made me jealous. I care a lot about you. Not in that way, don’t worry. But when I say I would take your call at 3am, I would. I’ve gone to bed really late because I was worried about you. But it just upset me that I think a lot of you and I knew that you didn’t think that much of me. That’s why I was a bit upset last night; it was just the reminder that I’m not really loved particularly by anyone.

I am very blunt, and I have learnt after years of bottling things up that the best thing to do it just to confront the problem. I’m shit at talking face to face so I write it all. I don’t proof read anything, so god knows what shit I have written. But I’m not angry at you now, I just felt I had to let it all out otherwise it would just be there niggling away at me for ages until I exploded. And knowing how I am, I would be a tremendous bitch and you would hate me forever so this seems easier, even if you do hate me now.

Just to prove, I'm not always depressing.

I'm elated right now. Nothing spectacular happened, just a few things that have made me happy.

1) I have new, better friends and I love them with all my heart.
2) I am about to start a new novel. I love the idea, and I can't wait to get writing. It's my personal project this Summer.
3) I saw Harry Potter again with a guy I am very very fond of. Not really in that way, just as much as you can love a person without being in love.

I'm just so happy things are working out. I really am.
I will let you know how my "novel" is going, and I can't wait to see how it ends!

too many eggs in one basket

Today, I was thinking about how I want to write. Then thought about the "novel" I started and realised where I'm going wrong.
So I'm completely re-writing and planning to the core.

Stay safe, you.

My 92 year old great-grandfather has been taken into hospital after fracturing his hip and has had a two hour operation... I'm so scared he's not going to make it through. And his 94 year old wife is at my grandparents; they have been married 70 years and they haven't been separated since I've been alive: won't go anywhere without the other. And he's going to be there for 10 days, and she's not well and able enough herself to go stay up there like most wives would. He looks after her day and night and now we're worried what happens after this. He was only taking the bins out, for goodness sake! A simple, everyday task. So does he go into care? He refuses to, but we have to think about it. And what about my great-grandma, what about her? She can't live on her own. She's a lot frailer than he is. So do they move in with my grandparents? It's just horrible to think that he could die now. Like... I know he's 92 but I am really close to him and death is never a nice idea. I want him and my great grandma to live forever and never ever be separate.
I genuinely think if one of them dies, then the other one would die from heartbreak.

"It's just that at night, I've got nowhere to hide."

I had a dream the other night, and it baffled me. At night is the only time where we can freely delve into our subconcious and see what we are really thinking about. But the problem is once we've seen it, how do we interpret it? Is what we see in our dreams made out of what is on our mind or what we really want? And how do we interpret the feeling we get from the actions we make in our dreams? Is that actually us in our dream, or just an imagined copy of ourselves?
And it's strange how mere imagination can completely change our view of the real, physical world around us. Make us question the things that we presumed were real: things we accepted as fact. How can such crazy stories change instantly to something that could happen in real life? Or even alter that which has already happened?

And then you have that thought in your dream that stabs at you when you wake up.

"I am so glad this is real."

A Cycle of Questions.

I often wonder what would happen if I was hospitalised. Who would be concerned? Who would come visit me? Would they come out of duty or because they cared? Would they know how to make me feel better and, if they did, would they even try? And what would happen if I were to be released? Would they still care afterwards and check that I’m ok? Or would that last a few days and then everything would go back to as if nothing happened?
And what if I didn’t make it out? I often think about my funeral, too. If I were to die now, who would organise my funeral? Would they know how I would want it to be? How many people would attend it and who would they be? Would they be there because they genuinely cared about the fact that I had died or would they be there because they felt they should be?
I then think about if people would remember me afterwards. Would people think about me for a few weeks and then just forget about me completely? Would people have a good memory of me?

It actually scares me how often I contemplate this. But then, it scares me that no one would care if anything happened to me. I am so scared at the idea of leaving this world and people forgetting that I ever existed.

I hate thinking about such things, but the same thoughts return every single day. And I hate it.

I miss who I was.

By the title, I mean the loud, sarcastic girl that takes photos of everything. I miss going out with my camera, taking photos of everything or going out with friends and having a good old time.

I promise, I will get my camera out again this weekend and go mad.

I wish everyone could just be happy.

and I think myself "what a wonderful world".

I've been really down for a few weeks now, but realising who my real friends has really helped me. I had a good day yesterday (until the evening; let's not go there) and a nice day today. So after going up town with my friend to buy my sister a birthday present, getting to my grandma's and having a shower (she literally has the best shower in the world) and having a nice cold glass of milk (my addiction), I sat at my keyboard and started trying to write a song. I've carried on with what I had before, but there's been a few changes. I found a programme I can download for free which will make it one hundred times easier to write the music to go with it. So I should have a fully written song by next Wednesday. I can download the programme tonight, and spend the next few nights working on it, then stay after college one day and get it onto the official programme and make a backing track! If it's any good, I'll get the recording and upload it to a site so you guys can hear it. But it will require me singing, so it will sound awful. Oh well. As long as it's in tune, that's the main thing!

So a good mood this afternoon, but I also have band tonight so it can all change very, very quickly. We'll just have to see how things go, I guess!

I thought I had stopped feeling like this.

it's 10:53, and I should be ready for college by now, or at least bed. But I just want to sit here on the laptop, and there's no one here to help me.

Everyone's Different.

My friend came on MSN last night saying
"Steph, I need cuddles."
She'd cut the tops of her thighs several times.
I spoke to a mutual friend of ours, saying that she was upset and telling him to look after her. He didn't know what had happened but, to fill him in, I told him. He was mortified.
"You know that feeling when your heart just sinks? I feel like that."

The thing is, it was obvious that she did. I knew she did even before she told me. I love this guy to bits, but he's so naive. He lives in this little world where everything is peachy and not many bad things happen so presumes everyone else is the same. I asked him last night "what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you?"
His reply was "My mum would say the mental breakdown I had when I was 11, but I don't remember that at all. I'd have to say, when my dog Basil died."
I've come to the conclusion that we should never judge on WHAT has happened to a person, but how they react to it. If two different problems have a similar effect on two people, then surely the problems are equally as bad? I know that Basil's death broke him, but I still can't stop thinking "no wonder you don't understand."
He said that he doesn't see why people would self harm, he doesn't see why people can't just be happy, and then he said
"If people have been through things worse than I that leads them to hurting themselves, I hate to think what people have gone through."

Selfish as it is, I sat at my laptop thinking "you really have no idea what the real world is like, do you?"
I haven't had a bad life, but I've had a lot happen to me that most people a lot older than me haven't had to deal with. It just made me realise that people don't understand the world, even if they think they do.

It's just so strange how every single person is different.

Blackbird, fly.

I am going to write about this, but I want to make it into a poem at some point. I just need to write it down so I remember it.

This morning, my mum came into my room, waking me up, and telling me to come outside into the garden. There's a blackbird nest in the honeysuckle on our fence, and one of the babies (we think he may be the only one, though) flew out of the nest and got caught on the netting used for the beans we're growing. He struggled for a bit, then fell to the ground, wing held out. He kept flapping, moving around the garden, struggling to fly. He tried to hide; behind a plank of wood, on a rock, in the rose bush... He kept squeaking, waiting for his mother to return.
We decided to leave him. His mother had returned so knew that he had fallen but gone to get more food.

Then this afternoon, we heard a squeaking. I went outside to find the mother sitting on the fence, berry in mouth for her child, trying to squeak in spite of the size of the food protruding from her beak. I watched her, she stood there for a few minutes, squeaking at intervals. She then swallowed the berry, and called louder. After 10 minutes or so, she moved to the roof. Still calling for her child, waiting for the reply to find where he was. After a while, she still flew off, calling. Every now and again I can hear her.
It's heart breaking.
I know, someone is going to say "it's just  bird." Thing is, whatever species, a mother will always have her child as a priority. And that I find both heart warming and heart breaking.

I really hope he is ok...

it's strange

it's strange that even now, when I'm doing something no one will see, I still consider what people will think.

run for their lives

I wrote a chorus for the song I mentioned, but I think it works as a short poem:

Because when everyone else runs for their lives,

Then we’re the ones that get left behind.

Maybe I’m just another, lost puzzle piece,

But how can you function without me?

When everyone else is sorted out,

Then we’re the ones that are forgotten about.

So take what you have and run with it,

And just close

your eyes.

It's just so high, and I'm so tired.

I don't know what's wrong with me at the moment. But whatever it is, I hate it. I have found myself wanting to do stuff: go outside, take photos, read, get work done... but I just sit at the computer screen, wasting my days away. I've done this for about 3 weeks now. I want to go out and enjoy myself, see people, be me again but there's something that keeps me sat here in my room, at my laptop, doing nothing. I don't know how I feel anymore, who I am or what I should be doing. I don't concentrate, I just sit there. I find myself still on the laptop at 2am and in tears. And this is when I have college the next day. I'm so tired and sick and tired and just... eurgh.
I did stupid stuff, to help me cope, but people won't help me. They say they will. But they never do, do they? As long as they're ok and the people they love more are ok, then no one gives a shit. I miss being someone's number one and having that constant person I could always go to. I don't miss him, but I miss that. I feel so alone and empty and angry all the time, and I don't know what to do. I just want to break down on someone and have them hug me until it all goes away.
But no one is going to do that for me, are they?
I want to help people, and make them happier if I can't be but there's no one to help so I just get angrier and angrier and I want to scream. I want to hurt people. That's not who I am. This feeling is enveloping me. My mind feels like a prison, and if no one helps me out, god know what will happen.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.


help me.

Because I am inspired.

I just watched "Music & Lyrics" for the first time in years, and it inspired me to write a song. I have to do a composition by next Wednesday so I'm going to stay up and attempt to write a song. I used to write poems a lot, which work as song lyrics, but now I write prose because structure isn't as important. So now I'm going to attempt to do two things I'm not good at: poetry and composition.

Wish me luck.

Because nobody ever got anywhere without trying.

So, my career choice has been planned.
I want to be a writer. I want to be a columnist where I can write and still have an influence on the lives of others just through doing what I love. I've loved writing ever since I was tiny, I wrote poems as I got older, and stories when I got even older and now I write to inspire if I can. So I want to carry on doing what I've always loved. I love music and photography as well but I've never had as much passion for them as I have for writing. Well, certainly not for as long, at least.

I always said to myself that I wanted to do something that I loved yet change lives at the same time. I know; I'm not going to save the world by sitting at a laptop writing, but if I can touch one person then that's enough for me.

So I have been told I need to write often, so if you want to hear my opinions on stuff or my ranting then follow and help me as I try to develop my skills.
Also, I write emotional stuff but I do put a humorous spin on stuff as well. I guess this is the perfect opportunity for me to experiment with my style.
Let's do thissss.

Why is society so wrong?

Ever since I was born, i was raised to work hard, be nice, do good and all the normal, cliché things that children are taught. but as I'm growing older, I've realised that it was a waste of time. I think I still work hard, i try to be a good person, I try to be nice and all those things but where did it get me?
And then I see people do such wrong, and get away with it.
For example, him. He got a girl pregnant; they were both 15 at the time. I was the only one he told, and I did everything I could to make him happy and make his life easier. This included lying to my own mother so I could see him and help, because he asked me to. I stayed awake every night, worrying about him. When she had the abortion, I cried. I hated the idea of someone not even getting a chance to live through no fault of their own, and it was someone that I would have known. It gives me a chill even now. He told me this girl was his third, there was another after her and he asked me to keep these things quiet. I did. Because he trusted me and that meant an awful lot to me.
Then we got closer and closer, and went out for a while. And he made me feel amazing. Truth be told, I wasn't heavily attracted to him. He wasn't good looking at all, and had the personality of a wet flannel but he made me feel like I was beautiful. For the first time in my life, I was confident, I felt good about who I was and I was loved by someone just for being me. Every girl's dream, isn't it?
But the truth came out.
He was a virgin. He lied just to get to me. We'd met up before, and I'd asked if it was the truth and he said he would never lie to me. No, he didn't say that. He promised. I don't trust easily, but I let myself trust him with all my heart and I started to love him after that. I say to this day that I didn't, but I know I did. Even just a tiny bit. We broke up, over text. Because he was too cowardly to tell me to my face.
And now I know more about what happened afterwards.
Met up with my friend and he knew that she was madly in love with him. But he met up with her, kissed her. And then got off with her bestfriend the next day. And now he's dating this girl, whom I can't stand. I stuck by who I was and was really lovely to her, and told her that I would kill him if he hurt her. but then she grew horrible. She sent me page long texts asking me how to keep him, saying how much she loved him. And she knew at this point, that I'd told him I still liked him (it was a badbadbad time, I'd never been any lower.)
And now they're happy, he's no longer a virgin and I'm still left here, watching them all from the distance. How come he got a good life? He doesn't deserve it. I'm sat here writing about it on my own at ten minutes to midnight, half in tears over this incident even though it happened... 6 months ago now.
Why? Why do people like that get the good life when people who work hard and try to be the best they can suffer?

I'm just sick of it. I don't like him at all now, not even as a friend. We talk. In fact, he's texting me now as I was almost in tears at band and he noticed. But I hate him. Irony is, it's not entirely what he did to me. It's what he did to others that makes me want to kill him. There's so much more I haven't written, and each time i think there's a little burst of flames in my soul that are telling me to ruin him.
I want to so bad, but I'm so scared.

Well, hello there.

So, I decided to start a blog. Actually, this isn't the first blog I've started. I was writing a bit on Tumblr, and I was writing on another website but Tumblr meant to many people I knew in real life could see how I felt and that made me vulnerable. And the other was the complete opposite, where I just rambled about crap that I wanted no one to see.
I'm terrible at keeping things up to date so I'll probably forget because I do that. But I used to write all the time. In fact, I'm planning on taking a degree in writing. I miss it so much, and how free and good it made me feel. it was one of the only things I did that I could come back to and feel proud of. So I want to fall back in love with it and integrate it with another passion; taking photos. God knows where this will lead but meh, might as well go for it.
 So, introduction.
Hi. My name is Stephanie Tierney and I'm 17 years old. I live in Essex, England which is one of the ugliest places ever. Well, it can be beautiful but not in my town or large village-sized housing estate. My main hobbies are music, photography and writing. I play the cornet, trumpet and saxophone. Technically, I guess cornet and trumpet are the same thing but I sound cooler if I play both. And they are different instruments.
I take photos pretty much every day. I have always adored art but drawing and painting frustrated me as I could never get what I had in my mind onto the paper. Photography meant I couldn't not get it right which I loved. It's just making the dull surroundings look beautiful. I love it.
And, as I mentioned before, I don't write as much as I used to. But I want that to change. I still write about how I feel when it's too powerful for me to express it in any other way and I love that. I've started novels based on that feeling. Never finished, but still.

Sooo that's me.
And you will come to learn: I NEVER write short stuff. Come on, my name is long enough.